"Enough About Eve"

Since the transcript-version of my Gossip Girl recap garnered a record 3 comments from folks who don't even watch the show, we're going all-transcript, all the time!  The fact that it's considerably more entertaining for me to write recaps this way is completely irrelevant. :)

(My Living Room)
MOXI:  I'm still off by 90 seconds, so no voice over or setup for you
CWTV.COM:  I'm only going to let you watch one episode on my site and it's last week's so good luck figuring out just how far into this episode you start. Way to be professional, Kelly Jeanne.
KELLY: You guys suck.

(Sepia-Toned Concert Hall With Grainy "I'm an old film" Treatment)
Non-Veronica Bell VOICE OVER: You have no idea what's going on right now, or if this is even Gossip Girl yet.

(My Living Room As the Camera Pans to CHUCK and BLAIR)
KELLY: OMG Yay! It's the 40's Episode!!

(Sepia Concert Hall)
GUY making a speech: Introducing the coolest girl ever....
BLAIR gets ready to stand
GUY: Vanessa!
VANESSA: I will graciously accept this award despite the fact that no matter what my ambiguous ethnicity is, I likely would not have even been invited to this gathering in this time period.
BLAIR: No!

(Chuck's Bedroom)
BLAIR: OMG what a terrible dream.
CHUCK: purr...purr...I got my hair cut or it's extra slicked down. Either way it's a massive improvement and makes this purple paisley robe look almost manly. ...purrr...purr... Feel better?
BLAIR: I'm used to being Audrey Hepburn in my dreams so this Betty Davis stuff is crap!

(Campaign Office for Tripp Van Der Bilt)
NATE: Thank you for fabricating a plot line for me. I appear to be almost running a campaign despite not even attending college.  Why is that again?
SERENA:  Hi! I've arrived in a gorgeous purple dress, but it appears to have entirely too much fabric on one sleeve and none at all past my panty line. Why am I here?
NATE: I will now say more words in a single scene than I've said since the season premiere.  Also, your boyfriend's getting some Texas style justice from my ex-gf's family. I predict working together to save him and piss her off will bring us (back) together and render the entire reason we're saving him pointless.

(My Living Room)
KELLY: OMG! Joss people are in the guest star list!!!

(Humphrey Loft)
RUFUS:  I've been living with Lily for a season or so, but now that we're married, it's time to pack this place up.
DAN: Allow me to introduce the recurring "Welcome Back Cotter" joke that nobody's going to get but makes the audience suspect that there's a WBC movie in the works and GG has been paid to bring WBC into the minds of the movie's target audience.
JENNY: I'm probably not going to be in this episode much, so let me intro this plot line about Vanessa being chosen to give a speech tomorrow night that means she's the unofficial "Coolest NYU Freshman."  Obviously that's what Blair's dream was about.  Thanks, and I'll see you next week.
VANESSA: It's no big deal.
RUFUS: You should totally invite your parents to see you give that speech, even though we've never mentioned them before.  Also, I totally know them.
VANESSA: That would be cool, because it turns out I have this really complicated relationship with them that we've never talked about.
DAN: I will invite Olivia so she can meet my parents and not complicate things in the slightest.
VANESSA: Good Idea.

(My Living Room)
KELLY: If the speech/award thing is the big scene, then I hope Blair takes lots of naps between now and tomorrow night so we can see more 40's stuff. Although, now that I think about it, I think the only set-shots I saw of the 40's stuff involved Blair, Chuck and Vanessa. Was that really it? That's Laaaaaaame.

(Streets of NY)
SERENA: Seriously, this dress is gorgeous. Who even cares what anyone has said in this scene?
NATE: Oh, you want to listen. I've crafted a ridiculous scheme to save Carter that involves you playing poker for the first time since you were nine with some absurdly rich guys that are some how connected to the Buckleys.  I probably explained the relationship, but we were too busy looking at your dress.  I love that color.

(NYU Dorm Hallway as Blair and her Posse run into Vanessa)
Blair's POSSE: Omg! Vanessa is so cool.
VANESSA: I'm totally going to give the speech!
BLAIR: Bitch
VANESSA: Yay me!

(different streets of NY)
OLIVIA: I bought you this cheesy Japanese souvenir to legitimize the fact that I was in Japan.
DAN: Want to meet my parents at this episode's Big Scene?
OLIVA: I would love to pretend to be a Normal American Girl and meet your parents!

(Vanessa's Dorm Room)
VANESSA: (on the phone) Hi parents, please come to this toast I'm giving. It would mean a lot to me and likely address some of our complicated relationship issues.

(Down the Hall in Blair's Dorm Room)
GOSSIP GIRL: Are you watching? there's a twist coming up....
BLAIR: I'm totes taking that speech away from Vanessa because we're all assuming I'm that "one other girl" everyone mentions that's also in contention for the speech.

(Random Office)
GUY in charge of choosing speech giver: (on phone) Yes, person whose name I'm not going to mention. We're thrilled you're able to give the speech.  Please do not trifle yourself with the identity of that "one other girl" whom everyone but you knows to be Vanessa.

(Streets of NY)
OLIVIA: (hanging up the phone) OMG! I have such a great surprise for you, Dan!
GOSSIP GIRL: What a twist!

END ACT I

(That Guy's Office)
BLAIR: I'm throwing Vanessa under the bus, Top Chef style!
GUY: That's swell, but Olivia's giving the toast, thanks to Dan.
BLAIR: I'm throwing her under the bus, too!
GUY: Allow me to put my finger and my thumb in the shape of an "L" on my forehead. Now please leave.

(Just Outside His Office)
VANESSA: (catching Blair walking out of the office) Oh no you di-in't. My speech, bitch.
BLAIR: Well, at least I can enjoy some schadenfreude by being the one to tell you that your BFF's GF is giving the speech.
VANESSA: But...But...I brought this on myself by encouraging Dan to bring her! And my mom's coming!
BLAIR:  Give me an S!  Give me a C! Give me an H!  Give me an A!
VANESSA: I'm going to go totally out of character and do something that ruins my relationship with Dan and Olivia and possibly their relationship with each other, just  to stop Blair from cheering at me.
BLAIR: Give me a D!  Give me an E! Give me an N!

(My Living Room)
KELLY: "singsongy grunt" has to be the greatest closed captioning line in the history of ever.

(Random Warehouse Set)
SERENA: Oh, now i get why I'm wearing this awesome but slutty dress!  We're going straight to the poker game.
DOUCHEY GUY with a popped collar: I have a popped collar, so you know I'm a douche. Also I'm slouched back in this chair and smirking at you.  Now the audience really, *really* wants you to win, Serena.

(Some NYU-Looking Restaurant)
VANESSA: Here are a bunch of silly reasons why you should not go see my speech with Olivia.
DAN: I see through all of these.
VANESSA: Here is an equally silly reason that you will now believe that involves your GF lying to you.
DAN: I can't believe she lied to me!

(Warehouse Poker Game)
DG: I'm totally winning, yo!
SERENA: Great! Let's play for my boyfriend's freedom!
DG: You need to bet something more interesting.
NATE: How about I let you ruin my cousin's political career with this picture of him with a bong if you win?
DG: Yay poker!

(Vanessa&Olivia's Dorm Room)
OLIVIA: Your plan worked and Dan doesn't want me to meet his parents now. Have a crazy Japanese souvenir.
VANESSA: Great! I'm going to take this phone call in the hall for no obvious reason.

(Hallway)
VANESSA: (on phone) I would totes love to give the speech!
A member of Blair's POSSE: I heard that!

(Blair's Room)
POSSE girl: OMG! Vanessa's giving the speech again.
BLAIR: My plan is working! Now to move on to the next phase...which somehow involves sex games with my boyfriend.

(Poker Game)
DG: I'm the brother of the girl that Carter mistreated, that's why I care.  Now watch me give you a really obvious tell like scratching behind my ear.
SERENA: (gives incredibly obvious look back at Nate who nods his head) All in, including the career-ruining photo.
DG: I'm oddly confident for someone who is apparently bluffing and it's only 21 minutes into the show.  Care for a side wager on whether or not I just faked that tell?

(My Living Room)
KELLY: I'll take that be--  WHAT?! You just bet your boyfriend on a pair of kings?! Are you stupid!??!

(Poker Game)
DG: What a twist! Now I have the photo and Carter is just as screwed as he was a moment ago.

END ACT II

(My Living Room)
KELLY: ZOE!!!!

(The van der Woodsen Penthouse - The Next Day?)
ZOE: Hi! I'm Gina Torres playing Vanessa's mom, and I'm wearing the same $800 boho-chic clothing line that she does, so at least now you know how Vanessa can afford it.  So that you don't forget I'm "poor" despite my clothes, here's a couple of jokes about how opulent this penthouse is.
LILY: Let's talk about how awesome your daughter is, instead of how much you disapprove of my lifestyle.
ZOE: Yes, allow me to compliment her and then insult her choices and yours in the same sentence.
LILY, RUFUS, VANESSA: Awesome!

(Some Club - In the Day Time?)
CHUCK: Where's the girl you want me to faux-seduce?
BLAIR: It's that GUY who took my speech away.  BBIAB!
CHUCK: Despite how unprecedented this is, this barely registers as a surprise, much less a challenge. Good thing i wore my purple shirt and tie. Oh wait, all my shirts and ties are purple.
GUY (who i suppose we should start calling JOSH): Hey there, sexy!

(Campaign Office)
SERENA: I've changed outfits for no good reason. Maybe it is the next day?
NATE: Could you put some real pants on? You're distracting me from freaking out about the fact that the bad guys have that incriminating photo.  Now step outside while I take this phone call from my grandfather.

(Just Outside the Door)
SERENA: I have a reason to go back in and eavesdrop on Nate's conversation.
NATE: The fake picture plan worked.  I feel very bad about deceiving Serena but all she's going to hear is that I tricked her.
SERENA: Huff!

(van der Woodsen Home)
LILY: I'm trying to make polite conversation.
ZOE: I'm going to be a super bitch so that later when I realize how awesome my daughter is and her life choices are, it's going to be Very Powerful Moment.
VANESSA: Omg, mom! You're such a super bitch.

(on the phone, out of earshot of the interested parties only a few feet away)
OLIVIA: Omg, V, does Dan think I'm not good enough to meet his parents?
VANESSA: Um...I don't know...
OLIVIA: I think I'll ask Dan!
VANESSA: No! Let me make up more lies about his parents to make this worse!
OLIVA: OMG! this is so much worse! I'm going to give Dan a piece of my mind.

(The Not-a-Gay-Club-But-Sort-of-Is-But-It's-Also-Daytime-So-Why-Is-This-Club-So-Crowded Club)
CHUCK: purrr...purrr...purr...
JOSH: I like your new haircut, too. Can I kiss you.
CHUCK: um.....obvious deflections because this is just a game and Blair should be interrupting us right now but for some reason she's late.
JOSH and CHUCK kiss
BLAIR: OMG! You bastard!
JOSH: Eeek! Running away now!
BLAIR chases after him while CHUCK seems to ponder his sexuality, or at the very least, kissing someone other than BLAIR

(Around the Corner In the Club Which Looks Strangely Like a Conference Room in a Swanky Bank That's Been Dressed To Look Like a Club)
JOSH: Yay! I can cross "Kiss Chuck Bass" off my scavenger hunt list! Thanks Blair, the toast is yours!

(My Living Room)
KELLY: I'm breaking the fourth wall to let you know that's nearly a direct quote.

(Meanwhile in the Club)
CHUCK: Did you enjoy your revenge?
BLAIR: Yes, because it was revenge and not a ploy to get the speech, so please don't skip out on your dinner to come watch me give the speech.   Are you upset because you kissed a guy?
CHUCK: No, I'm upset because I kissed someone other than you.  I've always been kinda bi.  
BLAIR: um...this makes me uncomfortable, but it's not clear why.

(van der Woodsen Home)
ZOE: I'm a bitch, sorry.
VANESSA:  It's okay. My speech will fix everything. It's a good thing I'm still going to give it.

(The Humphrey Loft)
OLIVIA: SInce you burned the chicken, how about we just go to the speech/dinner instead, unless you're worried I'll embarrass you in front of your family.
DAN: That's fine. Please confuse my reluctance to upset you with my reluctance to let you meet my parents.

GOSSIP GIRL: Dun, dun Duuuuun.

END ACT III

(The Big Scene - Hallway 1)
BLAIR: Give me a F! Give me a R! Give me an E!
VANESSA: I'm going to ask you very genuinely and nicely and you're going to reject me so that when I get all evil on your ass in minute, it's going to be totally justified.
BLAIR: Give me a U!  

(The Big Scene - Hallway 2)
OLIVIA: For No Good Reason I'm going to dress and act like the stupid starlet that I think your parents think I am based on the lying lies that Vanessa said.
DAN: You okay?
OLIVIA: Totes!

(My Living Room)
KELLY: HA! she just said "totes!" for reals!

(The Big Scene - Hallway 3?)
CHUCK: Purr..purr...where's my girlfriend?
A Different Member of Blair's POSSE:  I'm going to tell you almost every thing that Blair did to manipulate both you and Josh to get the speech, but not everything so you can hear her laugh with him and glare in their general direction.
CHUCK: (glares)

(Outside Campaign Office)
SERENA: WTF, Nate?
NATE: It was all a clever ruse to make the Buckleys look bad.
SERENA: So you used Carter?
NATE: Well, technically Carter's situation never changed during this ruse, so I wouldn't exactly say that I used him at all.  You, maybe, but I genuinely feel sorry about that, and that is obvious.
SERENA: WAR!!!!

(The Big Scene - Main Room)
DAN: Why do you suck so much right now?
OLIVIA: Because Vanessa told me that you're embarrassed by me.
DAN: But Vanessa told me that you didn't want to meet my parents yet
BOTH: Why would Vanessa.....
(slow pan to where Vanessa's setting up for her speech or something)

(The Big Scene - "Backstage")
BLAIR: I am so awesome.
VANESSA: No you're not.
BLAIR: Give me D! Give me an E!  Give me an "I Totally Manipulated My Boyfriend Like I Do Everyone Else"!  What's that spell?
VANESSA: It spells "I took this microphone from the speech stand and turned it on so everyone heard all of that." Oh wait, I mean "SCHADENFREUDE, bitch!"

(The Big Scene - Main Room)
BLAIR bursts out from behind the curtain to face several disapproving looks, including JOSH, RUFUS (do what?), and of course, CHUCK.

(The Big Scene -"Backstage")
VANESSA gloats for all of 20 seconds before being cornered by OLIVIA and DAN

END ACT IV

(Still "Backstage")
VANESSA: Let me explain!
OLIVIA: No, let me explain!
DAN: Let me help work this whole thing out.
VANESSA: Let me say something about how much I wish my mom didn't suck!
ZOE: Because I'm standing right here.

("Front Stage")
BLAIR: Woe! I'm going to come to you because you're one of the only adults who is a regular cast member. We haven't seen my mom all season.
LILY: Tsk. Tsk. You should have known Chuck would have kissed that guy without having to deceive him.
BLAIR: I know. That's why I looked so awkward after I found out he was cool with kissing guys. Not because I'm homophobic, but because I realized I didn't need to deceive him. Sigh.

(...Someplace With Candles...)
SERENA: I settled your debt with the Buckleys in a plot-point that will likely complicate some things later, but that we don't have enough time to get into right now.  Yay me!
CARTER: But I wanted go work on an oil rig and fix it myself to prove to both of us how much I've changed and you ruined it! Now I feel super emasculated so I'm leaving.

(Big Scene - Staircase)
ZOE:  I am not a bad mom. Also, the bitch you're turning into is completely justifying my fabricated objections to you attending this school.
VANESSA: Crap. You're kind of right.

(The Big Scene - Main Room)
OLIVA: Before I get a chance to explain that I'm not all horrible and Hollywood, I'm going to get called away for my speech, okay? Good thing I'm still wearing this ridiculous dress.
RUFUS and LILY: Okay
BLAIR and VANESSA: We never stood a chance against fame.
GOSSIP GIRL: Nope

END ACT V

(van der Woodsen Home - The Next Day)
OLIVIA: See! I don't suck!
JENNY: Where's Eric?
EVERYONE: More WBC references!

(Chuck's Apartment/Hotel Room)
CHUCK: I got this haircut so that I look more serious when I shoot you down and it really works.
BLAIR: I'm genuinely sorry.
CHUCK: I have a legitimate reason to be pissed at you, so apology not accepted. Also, I'm going to reference a meeting that I suspect will be twist-related in less than 3 minutes.
Chuck shuts the door in Blair's face. After a couple of close up shots of both of them looking sad, we see that his room is completely empty. Twist! Also, Poor Chuck.

(That Same NYU-y Restaurant from Earlier)
VANESSA: (on the phone) I love you, Mom!
ZOE: (on the phone) I'm going to say something that knocks me down a peg so Vanessa seems sympathetic again.
VANESSA: Sob!

Quick glimpses of the everyone (except ERIC, who is still MIA) being happy at  the van der Woodsen home, followed by a sad CHUCK looking out his windows and a sad CARTER getting into a limo, ending up with a sad BLAIR seeing a sad VANESSA with two croissants and no date.

VANESSA: Want to join my pity party?
BLAIR: Yep, although I can't eat that croissant and still fit into this dress, so I'm just going to sit here while the credits role.

(my living room)
KELLY: OMG! i get to see a preview for next week's episode!  OMG, it features an angsty Chuck, crazy Halloween costuming, and more talk about Olivia's crazy Arthurian Vampire movies!  That pretty much makes up for having all of 90 seconds in the 40's scene.

KELLY starts counting down to Monday.

END EPILOGUE

xoxo,
Recap Girl

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