"Dan de Fleurette"

Translation: Dan of the little flowers (I think)

Alternate title: "J'ai perdu mon merde"

I'm tired tonight, so instead of trying to smash together all this mishmash into coherent, flowing prose, I'm going to do things a little differently and treat you to a transcript of what I really see when I watch an episode Gossip Girl:

(voice over)
GOSSIP GIRL: This episode is named after Dan but I'm going to talk about Queens and Princesses.  I don't know, either.

(Jenny's Bedroom)
JENNY: I am going to be in this episode.

(NYU coffee bar)
BLAIR: I'm still a loser

(streets of NY)
NATE: How could have never heard of this famous actress that we just invented that's totally going to our school?
DAN: Because if I had, we wouldn't have been able to justify this exchange. Plus, this means I can not recognize her when she shows up and give her a taste of what it's like to feel "normal" and she can start crushing on me.
OLIVIA (TV's Hillary Duff): Hello.

(my living room)
KELLY: Oh my god. I would totally watch a movie that was a cross between the Arthurian Legend and Vampires!
Kelly's HUSBAND: Yes. Because this show is made for you.
KELLY grumbles and starts to plot out a related naonwrimo novel.

(via phone)
BLAIR: I miss high school.
CHUCK: I'm not wearing pink today.  Also men in sandals are stupid. Also, Michelle Trachtenberg isn't going to get paid for this episode.

(high school)
JENNY: Everything will be different.
ERIC:I'm mentioning I'm gay in case we have new viewers who think we're an item instead of BFFs.
Jenny's POSSE: Jenny Humphrey is our all time favorite queen of all time!
ERIC: Tee hee!

(van der Woodsen home)
BLAIR: Thanks for pretending to be my mom, Rufus. We need to remind everyone that me not going to college is a big deal so that when mom gets here she can Lose Her Shit.
LILY: I'm back!

(outside Vannessa's dorm)
OLIVIA: You'll never see me again, Dan, but thanks for helping me be normal. Now to go talk to my roommate. Good bye forever.

(van der Woodsen home)
SERENA: I'm going to get a job instead of go to college.
LILY: Ha!
RUFUS: I think--
LILY: Nobody cares what you think.

(high school)
JENNY: It's all going to be different!
Jenny's POSSE: hooray!

(my living room)
KELLY: PUT ON A GODDAMNED SKIRT!

(NYU coffee bar)
BLAIR gets a text message saying she's needed at school.

(Vanessa's dorm room)
VANESSA: Strange presumptuous person in my room, WTF have you done to my posters?
Olivia's ASSISTANT: You have a roommate.
OLIVA: Hi.
VANESSA: O.M.G.

END ACT I

(Vanessa's dorm room)
VANESSA: O.M.G.
OLIVA:  Can you be normal, soon?

(Random places with pretty dresses)
SERENA: Can I have a job?
People who are probably fashion industry CAMEOS: No

(Random restaurant)
SERENA: Wah. I can't get a job so I'm going to eavesdrop instead.
OLIVIA: Why can't you let me be normal, horrid assistant who doesn't get me?
Olivia's ASSISTANT: You don't get it.
SERENA: My eavesdropping will now pay off in the form of getting a job.

(high school)
Jenny's POSSE: You've been usurped, Little J.
JENNY: I'm going to pretend that it's not obvious that Blair's involved so that this scene lasts a bit longer.
ERIC: Me too!

(NYU)
NATE: I know that's Olivia, but it's funnier if I don't tell you and just encourage you to ask her out.
DAN: Okay! (walks over to "Kate") Hey, you don't recognize your name, but that's cool. Want to get something to eat.
OLIVIA: Yes.
NATE: Where's my paycheck, bitches?

(some hotel)
Olivia's ASSISTANT: You will clearly be working for the Diva-est Diva evar in this job i just found for you.
TYRA: GRRRRRR!! My name and my attitude make you think of the sea witch from Little Mermaid.  GRRRR!!!
SERENA: le sigh.

END ACT II

(same hotel?)
TYRA: We are BFF's now, k? Also, it's the next day. Also that movie is about nazis and cabaret and I love my role with all my heart. I'm sure nothing bad will happen to damage my precarious sanity.
SERENA: I love this job!

(Blair's house)
BLAIR: I'm pretending I'm still in high school.
CHUCK: I am worried about you.

(coffee bar)
DAN: I still don't know who you are for the sake of this plot. Want another date?
OLIVA: Um....
DAN: You're so awesome and normal. Not like my last girl friend who was all crazy with the paparazzi and stuff. Good thing you're not like that, huh?
OLIVIA: um..... I'm breaking up with you.
DAN: Even though we've only had the one date, I am very sad.

(high school?)
JENNY: Blair's ruining anything.
CHUCK: We haven't really acted together since that time I tried to rape you a few seasons ago, but here's a pep talk. Also, I want my girlfriend back so go do your job.

(Tyra's hotel)
TYRA: OMG! Serena you are the best assistant ever!
Olivia's ASSISTANT: Serena, this job isn't always fun. Later, Tyra's going to Lose Her Shit.
Serena's PHONE: Your parents are coming to the premiere so they can see Tyra Lose Her Shit.

(Vanessa's dorm room)
DAN (via phone): Want to go to a movie?
VANESSA: Yes! Let's go to my new roommate's premiere so you can figure out who she is and Lose Your Shit.

(my living room)
KELLY: Movie Premiere is the new Southeby's Auction.

END ACT III

(Movie Premiere)
DAN looks every direction at every famous person while looking for VANESSA and magically manages to miss seeing OLIVIA get out of a limo.

(Blair's house)
BLAIR: Trying to recreate my high school school slumber party is tragic and somehow very boring.
DEROTA: I'm still around to justify my webisodes.

(getting out of a limo, somehwere.)
CHUCK: purrrrr. We're totally forgetting I tried to rape you. purrrrrr.
JENNY: That's right. Also, I think very highly of myself for being jailbait.

(my couch)
KELLY: That actor is literally twice your age. Doesn't this bother either of you?!

(Back at Blair's)
Jenny's POSSE: OMG! Jenny's with Chuck at the Movie Premiere!
BLAIR:  I have Lost My Shit and am now heading to the premiere.

(Movie Premiere)
SERENA: Be proud, Mom!
LILY: No. ...also, I'm going to shoot down your confidence.
TYRA: I'm going to Lose My Shit if you don't help me.
SERENA: I'm sorry, my mother has completely shot down my confidence so I don't know what to do.

DAN:  I'm totally going to blow you off, Olivia, now that I see you lied to me and came to this movie instead of "working" like you claim. By the way, I'm BFFs with your roomie.
OLIVIA: It's time for me to confess and tell you that...
EVERYONE in ear shot: She's Olivia!!!
DAN: Oh.
(Dan does not Lose His Shit at this time.  I'm tell you because you looked a little scared.)

END ACT IV

(Movie Premiere)
Olivia and Tyra's Movie CHARACTERS: This really is a movie about Nazi's and cabaret dancers. Check out the website and other promo stuff that CW put out.
TYRA: I really should have picked up on the fact that my character is not the title character, but I didn't so now I am Losing My Shit over my cut scene.

(MP Bathroom)
Olivia's ASSISTANT: You are an assistant, not a friend.
SERENA: But that's so mean!
Olivia's ASSISTANT: And?

(MP grand staircase)
BLAIR: I am Losing My Shit all over you, Little J.
JENNY: Eeek!
CHUCK: I did this for your own good, Blair.
BLAIR: If ever I had an Emmy speech, this is it.  Boo. Hoo.
CHUCK: I'm Chuck Bass. If you can best me you can best anything.
BLAIR: Awwwwww.

(my living room)
KELLY: No! Sorry. I'm not going to melt at that one. Intentionally humiliating you so he can tell you that you don't suck is not what good boyfriends do.

(MP's suddenly empty theatre)
DAN: Why didn't you tell me who you were?
OLIVIA: Because then the episode would have been over.
DAN: I'm going to deliver an ambiguous line so you can misunderstand and think I'm dumping you.
OLIVIA: I misunderstand and am going walk away.
DAN: I'm letting you walk away.

(my living room)
KELLY: Wait, what?

(MP Lobby)
BLAIR: Why are you taking my picture, random camera guy.
Camera GUY: Because Chuck paid me to, to boost your confidence. Erm, I mean, because you're Blair!
BLAIR: I am Blair!

(MP Bathroom)
Olivia's ASSISTANT: You should Lose Your Shit for the cameras, Tyra.
TYRA: What do you think, new BFF?
SERENA: You should not lose your shit.
Olivia's ASSISTANT: You're fired.

END ACT V

(Serena's Bedroom)
SERENA: I lost my job because you destroyed my confidence and I decided to be a friend instead of doing my job.
LILY: Yay! You can go to college, now!
SERENA: No. I'm leaving instead.
RUFUS: I think--
LILY: Nobody cares what you think!

(Vanessa's dorm room)
VANESSA: I'm over my fan-crush. You're normal.
OLIVIA: I miss Dan.
VANESSA: This is not related to Scott, but I'm going to pretend it is, so this sounds like a heart to heart and I have a reason to call him later.
OLIVIA: OMG we're the bestest roommates ever!

(Blair's dorm room)
BLAIR: Welcome, my Posse of Similarly Tragic Losers.  I'm going to talk about gardens to tie back into the title of the episode and restart high school, here, k?
Blair's POSSE: Yay! We're sycophants.

(voice over)
GOSSIP GIRL: I'm going to talk about Queens again while we recap everything.

(Chuck's Limo)
CHUCK: I totally paid that camera guy and compared my girlfriend to an elephant but it's okay because I also want her to do some kinky sex stuff.

(my living room)
KELLY: Seriously?!

(Tyra's Hotel Room)
TYRA: Congratulations. You're on your way to becoming America's Next Top Model.
SERENA: Huh?
TYRA: I mean, you've got your job back. Big hugs!

(on the phone)
VANESSA: Olivia made me think about things and I wanted to say---
SCOTT: Sorry, I've got to take this call. (switches calls) Hi, BFF Georgina who didn't get paid this episode. I'm almost to the place we're meeting.

(My living room)
KELLY: What a Twist!

(coffee bar)
DAN: Is that Olivia? No, that's Lady Gaga.

(high school)
JENNY: I'm Queen again, BITCHES!

(Coffee bar)
OLIVIA: Want to pretend this episode never happened and start dating?
DAN: Yes.

THE END!

(my living room)
KELLY: I'm not sure whether Mad Men or Gossip Girl gives me weirder dreams.

xoxo,
Recap Girl

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