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"The Lost Boy"

To avoid self-inflicted banishment from the living room while Gossip Girl aired, my husband graciously offered to write this recap for me. His version goes something like this:

bitchy girls were bitchy. pretty boys were pretty. I am so sick of this show and all I watched was the preview.

His recap is not without virtue, but it takes most of the fun out of the viewing.

Our first sprinkling of "bitchy girls being bitchy" comes from Blair, blindly removing the sock hung on her dorm door and walking in on Georgina and Dan getting some pre-breakfast snuggle time.  It's clear only from the dialogue that he slept there, what with her being fully dressed and him still in his Levi's.  You can almost smell the crazy coming off Georgina as Dan sneaks out of the room.

Wondering how Vanessa and Serena might react to Dan's new bed buddy?  You don't need to.  Dan conveniently bumps into both of them in the hall and both go from completely not-cool to completely over it before the scene ends.  That can only mean that something way more interesting is going to happen soon.

For example:  how long is Vanessa going to remain clueless about Scott's non-student status? (thanks, whosifriend for catching us up on his backstory last week).  No, he's not in the comp class or in a study group for the comp class, he's taking guitar lessons with his dad, Rufus.  Why is this something that he can't tell Vanessa?    J and E get to cash a paycheck by providing continued explanation for Lily's absence, and a reason for Scott to skip out without saying anything useful.  This is all they will do the entire episode except show up for breakfast days later, possibly in the same outfits. Also, Rufus still needs a haircut.

Meanwhile, Dan escorts Serena just long enough to issue a warning I'm sure we're all supposed to forget about Georgina going "from zero to crazy" when she likes someone.  Dan dismisses her warning so she can skip off to kiss her new boyfriend.  They get their cute on just in time for a random girl to confront him about sleeping with her and lying and then storm off.  I want to believe RandomScornedGirl was a fan who won a contest, but I don't think they make girls like that who aren't already trying to be actresses.  Carter blows the whole thing off as mistaken identity, but it wigs out Serena, who suddenly isn't so sure she wants her brand new boyfriend to go to the auction anymore.  Because that makes sense.  He turned over a new leaf a week ago and she's pissed about something that may or may not have happened over a month ago.

I'm holding out hope that he's actually got a twin lurking in an upcoming episode, but I know this show better than to expect something that zany.

Vanessa finally asks the question that's been plaguing her all season.  "Is Scott a student?"  Turns out the answer is no.  It also turns out that this is the first episode that she's acted suspicious of him.  Episode one was all crushing and no action and episode two as all action.   That seems more suspicious to me.

Hey look!  Bitchy girls being bitchy!  Serena and Blair get together in Central Park so Blair can explain to the audience what the secret society that the show invented is all about and then lay into Serena about dating Carter.  "Guys like Carter never change", says B.   In a moment of unprecedented self-awareness Serena turns to her and says "Hypocrite, much?"

Oh wait, no.  That's in my version.  On TV she proves to Blair that he's changed by inviting him to the auction after all. Which totally shows her! ...somehow...

Poor Chuck,  he ditches quality time with Blair to study for his big meeting only to have the meeting cancelled.  Fortunately, he discovers a way to get the big wig's attention: the same Southeby's Auction that Rufus and all the kids are already attending.  Hey! It looks like Nate and Bree have also resurfaced just long enough to plan to attend the auction, too.  Because, you know, that's what college freshmen living in New York do in their spare time.  Attend Southeby's Auctions.

Really?  Blair and Chuck need the same photograph up for action? Really?  Really?  And that's how we're going to keep conflict in their relationship? Really? That's either an absurd plot device with no discernible source, or an absurd plot device with some far-fetched source.  I mean, god forbid we do something plausible like not being able to connect because one has a real job while the other is still in college.  That would take too long to resolve.

Speaking of taking too long to resolve, Scott lets the cat out of the bag to Vanessa the minute she challenges his educational status.  She counters with the shocker that Rufus and Lily went looking for him and that his adoptive parents lied and lied and lied.  He attempts to get emotional about this news and the attempts to ask Vanessa to keep it a secret a while longer.  I attempt to decide that he hasn't been acting sneaky, he simply hasn't been acting.  My attempts were successful. His? Only time will tell.

Things get a bit choppy between commercial breaks in a feeble attempt to build tension.  Putting it all back together nets us with a broken up Serena and Carter, a reconciled and then immediately broken up Blair and Chuck,  Scott asking Vanessa to stand by him when he tells Rufus (at the auction), and Dan and Harriet the Spy discovering Scott's true identity by searching for "soccer" and "lion" on the interweb.  Dan remembers his name from Scott's fan letter and Dan and Dawn warn Vanessa that Scott might be a stalker and they plan on confronting him at... you guessed it.... The Auction.

Any self-respecting show would decide this is enough twists and unravellings for an entire show, but in Gossip Girl country, we're only half way!

Returning from the commercial break with a peppy beat, everyone arrives at the auction.  Nate and Bree put on a show for the 'razzi after stepping out of their limo.  Vanessa and Scott walk up, waaaaay under-dressed, and she gives him a little pep talk so we know that Wooden Boy is supposed to be looking nervous in this scene.  Blair's limo drops her off a half a block away so that she has time to link arms with a perfectly-timed Serena and bitch her way to the entrance.  Chuck shows up to ask for his shoes and reconfirm that the pretty boys are also bad boys.  He also says something about champagne that is A Clue.  I noticed the clue, but only in a "is the economy so bad that Dom Perignon sponsoring Gossip Girl episodes, now?" kind of way.

Inside, everything gets a bit crazy.  Blair and Chuck are out-bid on the magic photograph by Serena who appears to have a plan other than looking sassy.  Scott decides that right before his wife's painting goes up on the block is the perfect time to tell Rufus who he is, but Rufus is somehow too busy.  Enter Scott's mother, who has driven up from Boston to let him know that she has also up to support him suddenly.  After a tear-y moment where she explains that she doesn't want to lose him, they seek out Rufus.   In truly orchestrated fashion, they arrive just after Dan and Georgina spill their beans.  

Scott is Dan's stalker!

No! says Vanessa. Hear him out. 

Scott takes his mother's hand and re-introduces himself to Rufus...as the brother of Rufus's (dead) son.  

Dun-dun-Dunnnnnn.

I manage to get my neck brace on in time to prevent the whiplash from learning that Chuck and Blair have been sabotaging Carter!  Carter's bad-boy shenanigans were a cover for being a sweetie-pie (he's Darcy and Wickham!)  Blair implies heavily that since Carter just went looking for S's dad and didn't find him that he's not all that noble.  Serena walks away so later she can respond with an equually bitchy "if you think nobody can change, you are screwed" and gives Blair the photo. Because Serena has changed. Or something. Blair, naturally, gives the photo to Chuck who almost has tears in his eyes.  He's found the girl of his dreams.

Everyone loves everyone for one brief moment and Veronica Mars won't shut up about auction analogies.  The bidding war has just begun, she warns us, and we're off and running for the resolutions/ramp ups for next episode.

Serena discovers that Georgina is behind the mysterious secret society Blair's been trying to join (and every NYU grad says "hey!" at the TV when Georgina disses it).  Serena confronts Georgina and then immediately tells Dan.  Dan asks G for a break and she takes it like a champ, ...with a horribly photoshopped picture of the two of them glowing from her laptop.  I'm not exactly sure what happened with business side of Chuck's deal or how Georgina was involved, but I get the impression it all worked out for him based on the way he struts out of the office.  Vanessa and Scott patch things up and recap everything that has and hasn't happened so that an eavesdropping Georgina can listen in.  Carter and Serena kiss and make up (for the second or third time this episode--I can't keep track) and he has breakfast with the van der Woodsen/Humphrey clan.  Chuck buys a hotel, pimps more champagne, and his girlfriend back.  

But this is Gossip Girl, and smiles are no way to end an episode.

The super peppy music keeps playing as Bree lets Carter know she has a purpose on the show and that she'll be using him to get back in her family's good graces.  Georgie books a train to Boston.   The only thing that really concerns me is whether or not Jenny or Nate will ever get a decent plot line and when the heck Hillary Duff is going to show up!

Also, I think my local affiliate played a Vamp Diaries commercial over the preview for next week.  Rude, much?

xoxo,
Recap Girl

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