Total Number of Ratings: 21
The Trouble With Internet Friends
Monday, February 1, 2010 4:01 PM
SUPER IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: If you think I'm talking about you, I probably am. If you think you know to whom I'm referring, you probably do. I'm not mentioning names because I only want to use the concrete examples to support the phenomenon I've observed, not call folks out. This isn't a passive-aggressive attempt to gossip, air dirty laundry, or get people to talk about things they don't feel like talking about. Pleased don't be pissed. (although if you are, that's another example I can use ;)
As an introverted work-at-home mom, my opportunities and abilities to make and maintain friendships are limiting. Sure, I could chat up the cashiers at the grocery store or the daycare providers, or even -gasp!- the other parents who are hastily dropping off or picking up their kids at the day care, but that's hard for introverted me. I tell myself I'd have little in common with most of those folks, anyway.
Enter "Internet Friends" which are so called because it's easier than saying "one of the people I met through murmur that may or may not actually participate in murmur, but are somehow connected via ifanboy that I ended up in a reciprocal twitter-following situation" when my husband asks what I'm laughing at, or when I'm explaining to my "real-world" friends and family a discussion I had about something they might also find interesting. Internet Friends are in most cases, ideal for me. There's already a sub-set of things you have in common, and since, excepting podcasting, I get to think as long as I want before I "say" anything, a huge portion of my introverted anxiety is neutralized.
They're great, really, but they come with one serious problem: we don't really know each other. Most of the time, this isn't a big deal. When all you usually talk about are superficial topics, discovering that someone hates cheese or cake-like brownies, has never read your favorite book, or only vacations to Disney World, aren't earth-shattering, friendship-redefining moments. When good things happen, like new cars or jobs, or passing important exams, or making babies, it's easy to be congratulatory. Even if it's not something you'd choose for yourself (you bought a gas-guzzingling SUV and you don't drive anywhere but perfectly paved non-snowfilled streets? you're actively choosing to bring more people into this doomed world?), it's the internet. "I'm so happy for you!" reads way more sincere than it might in person, or even over Skype.
It's when the Bad Stuff happens that the problem manifests in all it's painful, awkward glory. Someone you thought was married suddenly talks about dating. Were you wrong to begin with? Did this happen months ago or last week? Was he just living with the other person? Is he married and dating anyway? Is he happy about it? Suicidal?
This is your friend, who may or may not be hurting, but how do you even find out enough to determine how you should respond? Are you actually good enough friends to respond to the twitter or facebook post? Can you ask surreptitiously via email, or does all that superficial familiarity just give you the impression you are really-real friends? I mean, you're not even sure this person was married to begin with. It's likely that his "real world" support system suffices, but does it make you a crummy friend if you don't reach out to him in this time of badness which might not actually be bad or might not actually exist?
It's not necessarily easier when the Bad Stuff is obviously bad.
To start with, you're often still suffering from the same lack-of-information issue. The details you may get from an Internet Friend will be understandably vague. Who knows if the friend that mentions visiting Grandma in the hospital and says she's looks pretty good means "and she'll be going home soon, with a new hip" or "for someone in ICU who will likely not last another 36 hours"?
Even when the news is specific enough, it's still a challenge. Having personally dealt with the cancer-caused deaths of 3 close family members in the span of 5 months (my 2007 was a winner), I've learned a lot about how personalized coping strategies are. In times of extreme emotions, saying the wrong thing can be more damaging to a person than saying nothing. While aunts were praying for a miracle recovery for my father, I just wanted his suffering to end. Given the state he was in for his last few days, I almost smacked people who were praying he would "make it" until his birthday a week later. What exactly, then should someone who is praying for us or him pray for?
When a string of tragedies hits a friend, it gets harder and harder to offer comfort. Online, this is even worse. I've already said "that sucks" and "my thoughts are with you." What do I say the third time? The fourth? Plus, this Internet Friend doesn't really know you. Your sentiment is sincere, but can it really carry in 140 character snippets? If they knew you and your personal frame of reference better, it'd be much easier to offer the support you want to give. Unfortunately, this probably isn't the time to say to the grieving friend "I, too, have recently suffered the loss of several important family members" but when you say "I feel for you" you want that person to know you //really feel// for them, as much as one person can feel what another is going through. You want your words to carry the maximum amount of comfort, but they can't because they don't know you any more than you know them. You're just "Internet Friends" because you like the same movies.
And that kind of sucks.
Kelly doesn't have a solution. She's just employing her go-to coping strategy: saying what she hopes everyone else is thinking in hopes anyone else who's been trying to articulate frustrations now has an outlet. Also, follow her on twitter...if you want.
I think a lot of what fosters internet friendships is the instant gratification that comes with them. If I tweet about something crappy that's happened, sympatheic replies pop up in a matter of minutes. Now, obviously I don't intentionally announce bad news to the internet just for the sympathy, but it's nice to know there's a fast source of support and comfort. and I like to think I can also be a small sort of comfort to someone else.
The internet also allows for this nonsense:
"@jimski should have known better than to get his hopes up. :(frownyfrown"
The leading, non-update update. I have a friend who cannot stop railing against this, and I used to be the same way, but then I realized: duh, it's not one way communication. Yes, it's coy and information-free. Yes, it's fishing for concern. But how is it different than someone saying that into a telephone, or in face to face conversation?
Okay, maybe it's a little annoying then too.
@jimski yes, but after the 4th or 5th time you post that, my (internal response) is "that is true."
it's the internet equivalent of sitting next to a person in class and sighing heavily until they ask what's wrong. ...and yes, i'm impling it's a very "high school" technique, with apologies to murmurites who are still in or freshly graduated from hs.
I have a big question about internet friends. I have a few that I have played fantasy sports with for almost 10 years. I know them fairly well, as far as internet friends go (talk through emails/skype/the odd text message). With my wedding coming up in 2011, and it being a destination wedding, should I extend an invite to the few that I consider good friends.
that depends. do you mind/have room in your plans for spending time with these "strangers'? does your bride? do you mind if you *don't* have enough time to spend any quality time with them? it's a wedding. there's lots of stuff going on, and likely *lots* of people who will with a piece of you.
weddings are usually a good opportunity for "reunions", but not if you're the bride or groom ;)
This is a well written, interesting article. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I actually find internet interaction more difficult than "real" interaction in some ways. I am relatively outgoing (as a teacher, I kinda have to be) and therefore have little trouble interacting face-to-face. The issue that arises online is that my responses/comments/articles are perpetually available. If I make an ass of myself, I can never hide that (e.g. My embarrassing behavior here: http://www.ifanboy.com/content/potw/08_13_2008_-_Secret_Invasion__5 [SORRY RON]). In the real world I can make up for that type of behavior. This is much more difficult to do online where blocking some is as easy as pushing a button.
This characteristic of online interaction makes me more hesitant to criticize someone or something than I am naturally.
Wow this is a topic that has been on my mind recently. It's good to see that many others feel the same way.
Like Dave said, we do have many of the same problems with our "real friends" that we do with our internet friends. One problem that has come to my attention whether they be real or internet friends is that it can be far to easy to drift apart. There are several good friends I used to hang out with only a year ago that I no longer see anymore. There was no bad blood, no one moved away, and no one died. People just got busy and went their separate ways.
Basically you have to come to an understanding with internet friends and know what you get. You can share common interest a discussions with internet friends via website, skype, online gaming etc. Internet friends won't pick you up from the airport, console you when you are down,, and be there to get you out of a jam. Despite that, you can still get to know them like a friend over time. Ali had a great idea and for those internet friends that were located in close proximity to meet up and share some drinks and stories, thus bridging the gap between internet friends and something more tangible.
I know exactly what you mean (as do a whole lot of people, apparently.) I moved to CT 11 years ago from New Jersey. In Jersey, I had a few really good friends who I saw all the time. But now that they are 4 hours away, I don't see them. I'm not really one to make friends easily. Who am I supposed to meet? I work in a place I probably shouldn't, where most of the employees are barely literate, so they aren't going to talk to me about books, or comics. They don't watch the kind of TV I watch, they just watch football or ESPN. I love hockey, but good luck finding hockey fans! When they watch a movie, it's never anything i want to see. I listen to jazz and opera, they listen to whatever that noise is coming out of the radios these days. We have nothing in common! But where DO people have things in common with me? The internet. So I've accumulated a few "internet friends" over the years. We chat on AIM, or leave messages on Twitter of Facebook. But it's rare that I actually meet anybody from the internet in "real life." Me and one friend try to get together once a year and do something. There was one person from the internet I used to see all the time: that person is now my wife. So while we no longer chat on-line, as we once did daily, we now talk in real life, which I think is better.
But I've also noticed that once I left a particular internet message board, I kind of stopped talking to most of the people who were on there, which was the bulk of my internet friends. So now I only have a few internet friends. Although the ones I do have, I feel I know pretty well.
But I miss having people to just BS with on AIM while I'm doing other things on-line. It was a big part of my day, and it's kind of vanished.
I loved seeing the Kelly-inspired #friendfact tweets pop up on Twitter today. Really cool. But it also made me realize something as I pondered contributing.
In recent years, I have really tried to maintain ONE personality online. And with all of my professional endeavors, I wanted to attempt to just be ME while promoting whatever I'm doing. However, as social media has grown, being online means that I've got fragmented groups who all know ME as ME -- my name is my real name, and Twitter and Facebook friend bases are made up of comics fans, fellow geeks, co-workers, other professionals, former co-workers, family members, high school classmates, and so on.
My Twitter links to my Facebook. And when I think I want to contribute a #friendfact (for example), I also have to think that this goes out to every in all the different aspects of my life. Everything I say is on display to everyone. And that shouldn't be a problem, right? Because I'm ME, after all. That's what I've sought to be online. But... in real life, not everything you say to one person is necessarily what you want to reveal to another. So, I now find myself pondering what a unified identity online means. It may mean playing to the lowest common denominator, which limits how open I am.
Although, that really only applies to the over-arching general purpose media outlets. I'm much more likely to be more personal on a site like this. I'll still maintain a polished demeanor (I'm never gonna behave like an ass when everything's just a google search away), but I'm more likely to let you see a more personal side (or a more unabashedly geeky side, since I know you're all in the same boat).
I totally get that. I'll put things on my twitter feed that I won't be on my facebook page or say out loud. The reason being that while my Mum and other relatives and even some people I work with are connected to me on facebook, my twitter page is almost exclusively internet friends.
It curious when you sit back and think of how and where you censor yourself.
@Adrian I am the same way, Facebook doesn't get my opinion posted about a lot of things because of the people that know me through work/friends/family, and I may not want them to know certain opinions. But Twitter is different, as it is mostly internet friends as well.
This is a great article, and something I relate to completely. There's also the related phenomenon -- and maybe it's just me -- of being such a lurker that you feel like you know people who don't actually know you. There are so many people on twitter (and murmur, and ifanboy) who I feel like I know, and when things happen to them I want to be there for them, but at the same time I have to step back and realize that, to them, I'm almost a complete stranger.
Then again, some of my very best friends, who I visit on a regular basis, are people I met through the internet sometime between sophomore year of high school and now (when I'm 23). I know better than to devalue internet-based friendships, at the same time I know I have to be cautious about overvaluing them as well. It's tricky.
And I certainly know what you mean with the "what do you say the third time?" phenomenon. That's something that translates to real life-based friendships as well, and there's no easy answer.
Great article (yet again). I had to think about it recently, and it hit me that I haven't really made any "new" in person friends in over three years. But the new people I have met and talk to on a quasi regular basis, if that be over tweets, AIM or Skype is because of podcasting, message boards and so on. And I look forward to finally meeting a few of them at SDCC this year, that'll be cool or weird.
And there needs to be a Southern California tweet meet up, WonderAli has it down for the east coast (East Coast!)
Internet Friends is like Pen Pals from back in the day is it not? Just it is much easier to communicate.
I also wish that more Canadians were on this site (or Twitter) that I talk with to do a Tweet-Up.
This is why I'm fully in favour of Tweet-ups like @WonderAli has set up. It's gives people a chance to move beyond being "just" internet friends. Now if only I could find some Murmur people that lived around here.
wow. just wow.
i was worried about how this was going to be received to the point of not-posting it for weeks. way to validate me, guys! thanks!
Great article and a great topic, Kelly.
It's a tough problem to tackle and there really isn't a right or wrong answer because, as you mentioned, there's just too many variables. Someone posts a vaguely bad message to twitter and you immediately freeze. Is this person in a totally FUBAR situation or have they just condensed it into a poorly worded 140 characters?
Since coming back from San Diego last year I've had an explosion of internet friends through both Murmur and iFanboy. I'd love to get to know these people personally but there's that damned Pacific ocean between Australia and America that separates us. And that's just with the people I met who live on the west coast. Until my mutant teleportation power kicks in all I can really look forward to is an internet friendship with most of these people.
And, to steal from Kelly, kind of sucks.
I've been feeling this way for a while too. It's weird, but since I've moved to my current city in January 2007, I haven't gone out of my way to make new friends. And I was okay with that. Suddenly, after finding some websites online, I feel my friendship base has expanded exponentially in the past year. I now talk about online friends' lives with my wife and it's become somewhat normal. I dunno. It works for me, for the most part.
Nice article, Kelly.
It's hard to believe you're introverted because you're so comfortable-sounding and articulate on the Murmur podcasts.
Anyway, excellent point about Internet Friends. It all boils down to the fact that "internet decorum" is still in its infancy, and the rules are still being written since it's such a new medium. I notice this on Facebook all the time! For instance, is it considered a slight if someone posts something to you and you don't respond? Are you obliged to respond to every single private message that you receive? Should married people avoid sending/receiving too many posts from members of the opposite sex so as to avoid raising any eyebrows? What, exactly, is considered TMI? How to handle political discussions?
I'm still figuring all this stuff out myself?
Great article and very well articulated. If I was drunk I'd told you all I love you guys, but since I'm not I do feel privileged to atleast know of your existence.
The past couple of years have been the first time I've really made "friends" with people I have never met. And that's an odd thing.
I have discovered that, just as in real life, there are levels of friendship on the Internet. I, for example, consider Murmur's own Paul Montgomery to be a friend even though I haven't actually met him in person. But he and I have worked on projects together, chatted on skype and via email, and I honestly feel like I know the guy.
On the other hand, there are a lot of these "Internet Friends", who -- you're RIGHT -- I don't really know all that well.
I kind of think of them as the co-workers with whom you discuss LOST or American Idol while never ever visiting them at their home or even after work hours. I have friends like that in the real world. Maybe they're acquaintances. Maybe I need newer words to describe them. I guess we've probably all had friends like this throughout our lives.
I've had the same thing in high school and college. Some people you click with. Some people become friends. Other people you are friendly with and you laugh at each others' jokes, complain about common enemies, and then the bell rings and you go on with your life.
I think maybe the Internet just makes it harder for that acquaintance to click and become a friend because, hell, they may be halfway across the world, and getting drinks after work is a little bit of a stretch.
I'm glad you wrote this, Kelly. It's a really interesting phenomenon, and it's something that I've felt more and more with the advent of Facebook and Twitter and even sites like Murmur.
I like you all. I've come to enjoy hearing what you have to say. There's a great exchange of ideas that I either witness or partake in every day, and i really do value that. But it definitely has taken a different shape than real-life friendships. Not necessarily better or worse. Just different. I think I am actually processing these relationships differently -- and I can't even fathom what that means, but I feel like it's just a whole different way to interact with people.
Okay, and this point I'm rambling in search of an epiphany. But, y'know, I'm sharing. :) Thanks for bringing that out with this piece. :)
Thank you for writing this. I definitely understand this feeling!
I always try to approach these situations -- and maybe it's not the right approach and doesn't work for everybody -- with the thought that if the person put the information out there, they want to share it, and don't mind getting response/acknowledgement. (In some ways it's easier than in 'real life' where you might have heard something about somebody but aren't sure if it's okay for you to bring it up, or even for you to know). Still, it's tricky to know exactly what kind of response is appropriate, and how much.
Respond
Related to personalized coping strategies are the misunderstanding that come from personalized cultures. As has been mentioned by someone, Jim perhaps, the internet breeds a fulfillment culture wherein we tend to reinforce our beliefs by attending sites that believe the same things. When that occurs you develop a certain insider cultures. These being everything from language, slang or references to shared beliefs and desires. What works for one group, say an anime/manga crowd is abhorred by the Western comic book elite. Brit music scene references pass right over the head of metal heads. Removing further digression, these things create tension and difficulty when we try to exit our niche communities. Those who are odd and different must be destroyed and all that rot.