Welcome to the Timmy Wood Thursday, something to hold you off until the weekend.

Today: A glimpse at an embarrassing Christmas Memory because we all have them.

I had the wonderful privilege of attending a small private school. It was run by a church that disagreed with sex ed and evolution so they started their own school. I went there from kindergarten until sophomore year in which I transferred to another small church school.
Now I could go all day on why schools like this are not the best place to send your children but that's not what this column is about. Instead it is about Christmas and the gathering of your classmates to perform a little show for all you parents. Did you ever have to do this? Well I did. Many times.
Let's set the stage shall we. It's December and I am in the third grade and it's about one in the afternoon. I pull out my science book as that was what we usually did at that time only to have Mrs. Polard tell us to stop.
"Class, please direct your attention to Mrs. Hamby."
A woman had stepped in front of the class and smiled. She then went on to tell us that entire school would be singing for our parents. We would all pile onto the bleachers and each class would sing different hymns and carols relating to Christmas. The fact that the entire grade school could fit on all the bleachers in the gym shows you how small it was. Instead of studying science (because who needs that right?) We were going to be practicing singing. I was a pretty lazy child so this all sounded like tons of fun. No work. Sing instead. Sign me up.
Our class was chosen to sing the fantastic song "What Child is This" not to be confused with the classic Maury Povitch staple "Whose Child is This." This might be one of the longest Christmas songs ever, or at least it felt that way to Mrs. Hamby as she grew frustrated trying to conduct a bunch of unruly third graders how to sing right after they got out of recess.
"There are just too many stanzas in this. There is no way I can teach them all to you. We will have to cut some of them...unless someone would like to sing solo."

Let's backup a bit here. This is the part of the story in wich people in the soap opera industry call "all soap opera-y" I failed to mention that the girl I had been in love was also in this class. Her name was Alana and she had the longest hair I had ever seen. EVER! I had been in love with her from kindergarten until now and had yet to prove myself worthy of her affection. Instead I was constantly competing with someone else in the class. Zach Golden. Rumor had it, and I had several other girls in the class confirm this for me, that she liked him. I had nothing on Zach Golden. He could draw, he was really funny, really good at kick ball in P.E. His name was Zach Golden for crying out loud. That was his real name too. I'm not even making that up! There was one thing I knew he could not do though and that was sing.
I cleared my throat and raised my hand.
"Mrs. Hamby I would love to sing the stanza."
She looked at me for a whole minute. And then said. "Ok."
I was in! Look out Alana!

The stanza wasn't long and it was fairly simple.

so bring him incense gold and myrrh,
come peasant, king to own him.
the king of king salvation brings
let loving hearts enthrone him

Or something or the other like that.
I practiced that damn stanza everywhere. The car, the bathtub, recess, lunch you name it. I was going to blow the roof off of this gymnasium. Mrs. Hamby even gave me some private lessons.
"The most important part of singing is to sing loud."
"I'M LOUD!" I would proclaim
"I know" She sighed.

The night came and I donned my red turtle neck and combed my hair. Tonight was the night. I knew exactly what was going to happen. The concert would be rather boring as they usually tend to be. Parents would be yawning and shifting in thier seats. Looking at their watches wondering when it would be over. Until the last stanza of "What Child is This" A young boy would stand and sing causing a calm to come over the crowd as they sat with their mouths agape at the beauty they had just witnessed. At the end they would stand and cheer and I would be the coolest kid in school. Alana would ask me to be her boyfriend and we would be in love and I am not sure what happens after that but boy it would be something.
Delusional indeed, but at least confident.

I took my seat and the concert began.
"This concert sucks. It's so boring." mumbled the kid next to me.
"You just wait until What Child is This." I said confidently.
The kid looked at me like I was an idiot.
I wasn't nervous at all. I was ready to shine and my moment was about to happen. Right before, I spotted my parents in the audience to make sure they saw what thier brilliant offspring was about to do. What Child is This began and I awaited my stanza. I stood up. I sang, remembering what Mrs. Hamby said about being LOUD and I was.

The stanza is rather short but it felt like time stopped. I surveyed the audience trying to see what their reactions where. Then I came upon my father. He was laughing. He had his hand over his mouth trying to muffle it but it was pretty audible. I was not about to let him ruin this moment for me so I sang louder. The louder I sang the louder he laughed and the louder he laughed the louder I sang. Until I was at least yelling.
LET LOVING HEARTS ENTHRONE HIM!
I sat down. Angry as hell. There was no applause. The kid next to me looked scared and about to cry and most of all Alana didn't ask me to be her boyfriend. I should have learned something that day. You have to do things because you want to do them. Not because you want to impress a girl or be cool. I learned that the hard way and ended up looking like an idiot. Did I really want to sing that solo? No. It would just be another chapter in the "Timmy does something stupid to impress a pretty girl" book. I have many chapters in that book, oh that's a big book.

Years later, I am talking at least a decade, I asked my dad why he laughed. He said
"Because Tim, I am a firm believer that men make terrible singers. It was comforting that my son was proving me right."
Good old Dad. Always full of so much wisdom.

Timmy still sings you can follow him on twitter or email him if you would like to book him to sing at an enagagement of some sort.

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